April 1, 2002
 Ridgebacks Load Up - Again
ALLENTOWN, NJ - If the 2002 BDBL season wasn't a done deal before, it surely is now.   Just weeks after adding Curt Schilling to the league's best pitching rotation, the Allentown Ridgebacks have upgraded at second base by acquiring Bret Boone from the Manchester Irish Rebels in exchange for prospects Chin-Feng Chen and John Stephens and utilityman Junior Spivey.

Boone will bat in a lineup that already includes Barry Bonds, Edgar Martinez and Manny Ramirez, while Spivey gives the Irish Rebels another Vg glove up the middle.

Allentown GM Tom DiStefano vehemently denied that this trade further destroys the competitive balance of the 2002 season. "If you look at the numbers," he said, "Boone isn't that big of an upgrade over Russ Johnson at second.  The only reason I made this trade was because teams are loading up on lefties against me, and Boone hits lefties much better than Johnson.  I'm giving away two great prospects and a valuable utility infielder, and I'm taking a big risk on Boone, who probably won't be worth his salary next year."

April 1, 2002
Zoots Acquire Maddux
STAMFORD, CT - Despite assurances from Stamford GM Paul Marazita that the Zoots are on the verge of a massive rebuilding effort, Stamford has loaded up their pitching staff for the fourth year in a row, acquiring former OL Cy Young Award winner Greg Maddux, along with Dmitri Young, Aaron Boone and Dave Berg, in exchange for Edgardo Alfonzo, Danny Wright and Josh Fogg.

Stamford's playoffs rotation now includes Maddux, Mark Buerhle, Roger Clemens and Kevin Brown.  New Milford will have to sit NL Rookie of the Year candidate Sean Burroughs next season in order to give Alfonzo some playing time (assuming Alfonzo is healthy and productive, of course - two BIG assumptions.)

"It really hurt to give those guys up," Marazita lamented in a short press release.  "Fonzie is an all-star just waiting to bust out (assuming those chronic back problems of his are a thing of the past.)  And we see really big things on the horizon for Danny and Josh.  But we felt that this was a gamble we just had to take.  Good lord willin', if we catch a few breaks and somehow make it to the playoffs, I think our pitching staff will give us a fighting chance."

April 1, 2002
 Ichiro Stays in Marlboro
MARLBORO, NJ - A rumored three-way trade between Marlboro, Chicago and Kansas was nixed when Marlboro GM Ken Kaminski backed out at the last minute.  According to anonymous sources inside the Marlboro camp, the Hammerheads were due to receive Carlos Delgado, Josh Beckett, Mark Prior, J.D. Drew and Troy Glaus in exchange for Ichiro Suzuki.  But just as the trade was being finalized, Kaminski pulled the plug.

"We just can't afford to give up a player the quality of Ichiro for so many borderline superstars," said Kaminski.  "I mean, the guy hits a ton of singles, he steals bases, he plays good defense and has a good arm.   You just can't find a talent like that at a bargain salary of $100k."

April 1, 2002
 Dempster Throws No-Hitter
MANCHESTER, NH - Ryan Dempster, who was acquired straight-up for Chipper Jones this past winter, has finally begun to pay some dividends for his new team.  Facing the bottom third of the Arizona Heat lineup in the second inning, Dempster managed to escape one entire inning without giving up a hit.

"It was real touch-and-go for a minute there," said Dempster, "but fortunately we got some great diving plays, one ball caught over the wall out there, and I was able to escape the inning with the bases loaded."

April 1, 2002
 Romaniello Finds DMB Alternative
NEW MILFORD, CT - For three years and counting, New Milford manager Billy Romaniello has complained that the DMB software used by the BDBL is too unrealistic.  After losing more than 300 games in those three years, and beginning this season with an 8-20 record (the worst in the Ozzie League), Romaniello went in search for a simulation that will better complement his managing style.  Today, that search ended.

"I was playing darts in my basement the other day," Romaniello explained, "and just for the hell of it, I flipped the dart board over and there was this really cool baseball simulator on the back of it.  I tested it out and it seems to be way more realistic than DMB - and a lot easier, too.   No more worrying about that whole confusing lefty/righty thing, double-switches, and when to pull your starters from the game.  It's just baseball the way it was meant to be played."

The league will vote on whether or not to replace DMB with this revolutionary new simulation some time within the next few weeks.

April 1, 2002
 Cameron Inducted Into Hall
SALEM, NH - Mike Cameron became the first player inducted into the BDBL Hall of Fame after an impromptu vote of the BDBL Veteran's Committee.  Committee chairman Paul Marazita cited Cameron's outstanding plate discipline and better-than-league-average offensive skills in center field, despite playing most of his career in pitcher's ballparks.
April 1, 2003
 If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em
AKRON, OH - Following a two-game sweep at the hands of the Allentown Ridgebacks this past weekend, the Akron Ryche have joined the Salem Cowtippers and the Iraqi army in the popular new trend of white-flag-waving.  Monday night, Akron sent Pedro Martinez to the Ridgebacks in exchange for Jesse Foppert, Jake Peavy and Brandon Duckworth.

In doing so, Akron became the first team in BDBL history to wave the white flag while in first-place.  Not only are the Ryche in first place, but their 24-14 record is third-best in the entire BDBL!

"We just realized after that series that we weren't getting past Allentown even with Pedro," said Akron GM D.J. Shepard.  "So it made sense for us to deal Pedro, who only has three years left on his contract, for three guys we feel will be front-of-the-rotation aces for the next decade."

With a rotation of Martinez, Randy Johnson, Curt Schilling and Roy Oswalt, Allentown is all but a lock to win their second-straight BDBL title.   And with Martinez, Johnson and Oswalt all locked in next year as well, Allentown is already the favorite to win the 2004 BDBL championship.

"This trade is one we may regret later on," said Allentown GM Tom DiStefano, "but we feel it makes us a bit stronger this year, so it was worth the sacrifice.  Pedro gives us a solid #3 or #4 for the playoffs, and with Duckworth, Akron can still win their division.  It's a win-win for both teams."

April 1, 2003
 Official Lightning Web Site Launched
LITCHFIELD, CT - The Litchfield Lightning announced today that they have launched a new official team web site, joining the ranks of six other BDBL teams.

"We have put as much time and effort into this web site as we have put into our team over the past four years combined," said Lightning spokesperson Phil Geisel.

As of now, the site is free to all visitors, but Geisel says plans are in the works to begin a pay-per-view system similar to Baseball Prospectus.

"People should expect to pay a premium for the type of quality information, insight and entertainment we'll be providing," said Geisel.

April 1, 2003
 Diamond Mind Patch Released
LEXINGTON, MA - The Diamond Mind company announced today that there was a mix-up with several of the players on the 2003 MLB season disk, and have released a patch to correct these errors.

Oddly enough, all 25 of the players affected by this error are members of the Salem Cowtippers.  For example, the player card for Al Leiter was mixed up with that of Jon Lieber (which explains quite a bit.)  And the player cards for Robin Ventura and Austin Kearns were mistakenly swapped with those of Rey Ordonez and Chris Truby.

Because of these errors, the BDBL Commissioner's Office announced today that the 2003 BDBL season will be played over from the beginning.   The league, on behalf of Diamond Mind, apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause.

April 1, 2003
 Southern Cal Files Criminal Charges
SOUTHERN CAL - Lawyers for the Southern California Slyme announced today that the organization has filed criminal charges against Ken "The Shark" Kaminski and the Marlboro Hammerheads.  Southern Cal alleges that Kaminski spiked Southern Cal GM Bob Sylvester's drink while negotiating the Roy Halladay trade last winter, leading Sylvester to reject the Salem Cowtipper's offer of Austin Kearns and accept Marlboro's offer of Ichiro Suzuki and two useless piles of dog crap instead.

"Obviously, you'd have to be on some sort of drugs to make such a deal," said Sylvester.  "I was talking to The Shark, and was in the middle of telling him to put his offer where the sun don't shine.  The next thing I know, I'm waking up in some back alley covered in vomit - oh, and back-issues of The Sporting News."

If these allegations prove to be true, the league will take immediate action, and Halladay will be returned to the Slyme.  Investigators believe that whatever drug was used on Sylvester may have also caused the Wapakoneta Hippos to trade Mike Lieberthal and Joe Mauer to the Zoots.  No charges have been filed on that matter as of yet, however, as investigators determine whether those deals were simply a result of Jedi mind tricks.